Movie Review
Every now and then, I like to write reviews about movies that I feel did a great job at showcasing a societal problem that so many people deal with, but not everyone understands. It Ends with Us is one of those movies.
Honestly, it took me a while to watch the movie, not because I didn’t want to, but because of all the drama surrounding it (which is still ongoing as I write this blog). This gave it a bit of a stigma. However, over the winter break, I decided to check it out as I forced myself to sit down and relax a bit. I am glad I did.
Two main points made this movie one that deserved a review through the lens of a family mediator:
- It is a great example of gaslighting.
- It provides an example of domestic violence that many stuck in the trauma or cycle of DV may brush off and not acknowledge as abuse to the level that the abused party should leave the relationship.
I will explain what I mean below.
Gaslighting
The way the movie set up the two big abuse instances was interesting and important. It was interesting because it kept the audience guessing, “When is this guy going to become abusive?” I know the book set it up differently, but for the movie, when he grabs the hot pan out of the oven, we can all imagine doing something similar, where the pan is much hotter than we thought it would be, and jerking back the way he did.
As a mother, I cannot explain the countless times I have accidentally elbowed one of my kids because I had no idea they were RIGHT behind me. I jerk away from something, and BAM, they are RIGHT in the line of my elbow.
When I watched this scene, there was NO part of me that thought that was an intentional act. It was odd, but even though I was waiting for abuse to occur, this did not seem intentional to me. They did a great job making me feel like “…it was fine, everything is fine, nothing to see here.” I always love it when the writing makes me FEEL what the character should feel. Later, she thinks back, and we see that it WAS intentional – I was flabbergasted. That scene just seemed like an odd one to have as the first physical abuse… mainly because of the hot plate and the understandably “knee-jerk” reaction to the pain of grabbing it.
The next scene where there was physical abuse that was well-written is when he pushes her down the stairs. Again – I was not convinced when I first watched it that he was at fault. They did a good job of not letting us, the audience, see the moment where he pushes her. It was all happening so fast; there were high emotions, she was running after him, and I am sure, like me, many audience members were like – ugh, just let him GO! Let him cool off.
So once again, I was unsure of what REALLY happened – but – when he later told her in detail how she FELL, it started to feel a bit awkward. He was trying so hard to convince her she fell. And because it is a common scenario we hear or see on TV, it made me rethink what I saw. But his assurances and my inability to remember the details were enough to make me iffy on the facts. Again, being gaslit by the writers. I, too, was thinking, “…wait, DID he push her, or did she fall…?”
The success of a movie like this, I think, lies in the ability to make the audience FEEL what the main character should be feeling. And for me, at least, I was there. I was questioning what I saw and my feelings when he tried convincing her she fell. This is so important because unless you have been the victim of domestic abuse, in one form or another, it can be difficult to understand what gaslighting is or how people can fall victim to it.
Allowing the audience to be gaslit themselves may help open the eyes of those who tend to disregard the victim’s voices because they don’t know what is really going on. This may help naysayers realize how easy it is to have your reality skewed by someone who is a professional manipulator. By God, if a MOVIE and WRITERS can manage to gaslight you, imagine how easy it must be to have it happen by someone you love and trust! THIS is why movies like this are so important!
The Victims Themselves
We have all grown up with dramatic and drastic examples from movies of what domestic violence looks like: repeated, intense beatings, black eyes, scars, and instances where there is no doubt it is ABUSE.
What I found important about the movie (and I am not sure if it is the same in the book) is that the abuse was low-key – there weren’t numerous outrageous blowouts between them. There were a couple of intense moments showing the audience that THIS is the time to get out. Don’t wait until it’s too late and you can’t get out. Even if it feels like there is hope.
The movie seemed to show a small window where the abuse has started, but there is still hope from the victim that he can change. The moment in the hospital after she had the baby, I thought for sure she was going to take him back, as many would. You are emotional; you just had his baby, and many would stay.
I think the difference with this woman is that she grew up with abuse; she knew what to look for and was aware that they never change. Had she not run into her old high school boyfriend, she may not have had the strength to leave – not that she left FOR him, but I think knowing what the two of them grew up with and him knowing she was in it helped her see she was in it.
All in all, it was an important story to tell. Who knows if we will ever see the sequel on the big screen now that the two leads hate each other, but we have the book.
Other Movie Reviews
If you are interested in some of my other movie reviews, here are the links:
