What I’ve Learned Mediating Hundreds of Divorces: 5 Things That Matter Most
After nearly two decades of walking alongside couples during one of the most emotionally charged transitions of their lives, I’ve seen a lot. I’ve sat in the presence of heartbreak, hope, disappointment, growth, confusion, and clarity—all in the same room, sometimes in the same hour. And through the hundreds of divorces I’ve had the privilege of mediating, some truths have stayed with me.
These are the things I wish everyone knew before they walked into mediation. The insights that—if held onto—can help transform the divorce process from a battlefield into a bridge. Here are the five things that matter most:
Seek to Understand Why You Are Where You Are
Before you can truly move forward, it’s essential to pause and reflect on how you got here—not to assign blame, but to understand. Every relationship is a teacher. The end of a marriage doesn’t mean the relationship served no purpose. Often, it served many: growth, companionship, family, support, identity.
The couples who move through divorce with the most grace are the ones who take time to ask themselves why the relationship ended, what they learned from it, and how they can carry that wisdom into their next chapter. When you skip this step, you risk repeating the same patterns—emotionally, relationally, even financially.
Divorce Does Not Mean Your Marriage Failed
One of the most powerful shifts I’ve seen in my clients is when they stop framing their divorce as a failure. Some marriages are beautiful for a season. They bring children into the world, they offer stability through tough times, or they help each person grow in ways they never expected. Then, the season changes.
Just because a marriage ends doesn’t mean it didn’t serve its purpose. I’ve mediated couples who still care deeply for one another—who are grateful for the years they shared—but who also recognize that the relationship has run its course.
Ending a marriage doesn’t close the book on your life. It simply turns the page. You’re still the same author. You’re still writing the same story. This is just a new chapter.
Always Put Your Children’s Needs First—Always
It may seem obvious, but it bears repeating: your children didn’t choose this divorce. They didn’t ask for their world to be divided into two homes, two routines, or two sets of expectations. What they need—above anything else—is for their parents to protect their peace.
Children thrive when they know they are safe, loved, and free from adult conflict. That means shielding them from the legal battles, the venting, and the weight of having to choose sides. Mediation creates space to build a parenting plan that is centered around your child’s needs—not your grievances.
When parents put their children’s emotional health first, it shows. In their school performance, their sleep, their social behavior, and their long-term resilience. This is one of the most important gifts you can give them.
Don’t Fight Over the Small Stuff
It’s so easy to get caught in the weeds. I’ve seen two intelligent, kind-hearted people spend hours debating who gets the camping gear or arguing over a Costco membership—simply because emotions are high, and the hurt hasn’t been processed.
Here’s the truth: the more you entrench yourself in small battles, the more you prolong your pain. Every hour you spend nitpicking is an hour you could spend healing, planning your next step, or focusing on your kids. Mediation invites you to zoom out—to look at the big picture, the long-term peace, the financial and emotional cost of conflict.
Let the little things go. They rarely matter as much as you think they do in the moment.
- Know When Enough Is Enough
There is a tipping point in every divorce where pride and pain can start to lead the process. It’s usually when a settlement is close, but one or both parties hesitate—not because it’s unfair, but because something inside still wants to win.
I’ve seen agreements fall apart at the finish line because one person needed to prove a point or “make it hurt” on the way out. But this only prolongs everyone’s suffering, including your own. There’s a difference between advocating for yourself and fighting just to fight.
When you’ve reached a settlement that meets your core needs and provides a path forward, take it. Peace is worth more than punishing your ex. Closure is worth more than one more round of back-and-forth. Know when it’s time to step away with your dignity, your sanity, and your future intact.
Final Thoughts
Divorce is never easy—but it doesn’t have to be destructive. When approached with curiosity, grace, and a focus on what truly matters, it can be the gateway to a stronger, wiser version of yourself.
These lessons aren’t just about getting divorced. They’re about living well during transition, about honoring what was and stepping with intention into what’s next.
